


I Always Wanna Die (Sometimes)

by Iwillseduceyouwithmyweirdness



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 5 + 1, 5 Times, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jace is a good bro, Maybe - Freeform, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, i promise this will get happier, sad!Alec
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2020-07-19 16:43:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19977268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iwillseduceyouwithmyweirdness/pseuds/Iwillseduceyouwithmyweirdness
Summary: the 5 times Alec wants to die, and the one time he really, really doesn't





	1. bet you thought your life would change

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!   
> So this is my first fic in over a year! Sorry i've been so silent, especially as i have fics to finish. I will be (hopefully) posting more of all of my WIP's, but i want to get my writing style back up to scratch before i carry them on - hence this train wreck.  
> Please be mindful of the tags attached to this fic. It will be touching on themes of self harm and thoughts of suicide throughout, so don't read it if you think that it will be an issue for you <3

There was something about the city at night that Alec was in love with. Maybe it was the way all of the lights and cars made him feel like he was surrounded by some beautiful new nebula. Or maybe it was the fact that the middle of the night seemed to be the only time that he could ever get any peace and time away from the institute.

When things got too much, he often slipped away into the night, hoping to find solace in the anonymity of the streets. His late night trips had been happening more and more recently.

It was both a blessing and a curse really; for one thing, he was exhausted enough these days without staying up well past midnight. But getting away from the institute and his job was more often than not well worth the lost sleep.

Tonight, as usual, his aimless walk had lead him back to the Brooklyn Bridge. He stopped. Normally, he wouldn’t allow himself the luxury of pausing here, but tonight it just felt _right._

Alec made his way over to the edge of the bridge, sat down, and swung his legs over the wall, staring out at the dark stretch of water beneath him. This ritual was reserved for his worst days, and he was suddenly infinitely glad that no mundanes could see him and try to make sure he was okay.

Alec stared blankly down at his arms. The past week had been full on, giving both him and his siblings little time to stop and take a breather. As such, Alec had let his self care slide, and he was now dealing with the consequences. It had been a full 8 months since he last self harmed, but then _tonight_ – he just couldn’t stop himself. Everything had been too much. As soon as he realised what he had done, he ran.

Ever since he could remember, he had felt routinely _bad._ Some days were worse than others. There were times when he could barely get out of bed, and the entire day would be filled with desperate attempts to ensure that no one else realised how he was feeling.

At some point around the time that Jace had become his parabati, Alec’s mental heath issues had stepped up a notch, and he had started to experiment with self harm. In truth, he couldn’t remember the first time it had happened. He had a vague feeling that it had probably started around the time that he had begun to notice his crushes on boys, but his memories were mostly just a blur of shaky hands and smeared blood.

However it had started, it had soon become Alec’s go-to method for coping with life at the institute, and his hips and arms now bore the evidence of rows upon rows of rosy pink scars.

More recently, he had been learning to cope in better ways; currently, that meant spending vast amounts of time making sure his life was a routine, but what with the current situation with the clave, it was almost impossible to make sure that he took care of himself.

Alec dragged his eyes away from the water with a sigh and rolled up his sleeves to reassess the damage. On top of the older, more fades scars, he now had five new – and definitely painful – deep cuts. _All that work down the drain_. _And for what? A few hours of numbness?_

Eventually, Alec’s phone buzzed, dragging him out of his thoughts.

**_Message from: Jace_ **

**_Received 2:03 am_ **

_Where are u_

Alec sighed, placing his phone on the wall beside him. He already felt bad enough about this whole situation, without Jace muscling in and trying to help too. Besides, ever since Clary had shown up, he had been far too busy with her to even notice Alec. _Not that he was jealous._

_‘It must be hard, you being in love with Jace and all.’_ His brain supplied. It was weird; that conversation had happened just hours ago – or maybe a day ago, Alec couldn’t really be sure anymore – and yet, he had already spent so long obsessing over it that it felt like he already knew every corner and sharp edge of his guilt. It hadn’t been a lie when he had told Clary he wasn’t _in love_ with Jace. Yes, he loved him. And sure, maybe he had a bit of a crush on him, but he knew nothing would come of it. He had seen Jace with enough girlfriends now to learn to control his jealousy.

Even so, the guilt Alec felt had him squeezing on his new injuries to try and banish his thoughts.

At that moment, Alec’s phone started to vibrate again.

**_Incoming call from: Jace_ **

Alec sighed, closing his eyes in an attempt to focus on his parabati’s feelings. All he came back with was a shit tonne of worry, and something that felt a little bit like sadness. He answered the call.

‘Shouldn’t you be in bed?’

‘Shouldn’t _you_?’ Jace countered calmly. ‘At least _I’m_ still in the institute.’

Alec let out a soft ‘ _oh’_. His secret escapes had finally been discovered, and it felt about as good as a brick in the face.

‘Where are you? I’m in your room and you’re not here.’ This time, Jace’s voice portrayed a little more of the concern that Alec could feel through their bond.

‘Out. Is everything okay, has something happ – ?’

‘The institute is fine Alec.’ Jace replied wearily. ‘Contrary to popular belief, we can survive a few hours with out you. I just – Alec, are you okay?’

‘Of course,’ Alec lied easily, staring down at a small drip of blood flowing from his arm.

‘You don’t – I mean, you – you don’t _feel_ okay, Alec.’ Jace stumbled out.

_Shit._

‘I’m fine Jace, just needed to clear my head a little. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ Alec could feel his skin crawling at lying to his brother, but he wasn’t about to spill the truth.

‘No, you’re not, Alec theres blood in your bathroom. I –’ Alec hung up before he could hear whatever else Jace had to say.

Alec was still sat in the same position half an hour later when Jace finally reached him.

Jace cleared his throat loudly once he was within touching distance of Alec, simultaneously not wanting to startle him, and not wanting him to be able to get away. ‘Hi,’ he ventured lamely.

Alec, who had been completely lost in his own self loathing, jumped, spinning around, fists raised and ready to fight.

Jace raised his hands in surrender. He edged closer slowly, looking like he thought one wrong move would send Alec leaping off the side of the bridge. If Alec was honest with himself, Jace wasn’t exactly _wrong_ to be nervous about that. Cautiously, Jace settled himself on the wall next to Alec, swinging his legs gracefully to rest next to his brother’s.

They were quiet for a long time.

‘How’d you find me?’ Alec asked eventually, his voice devoid of practically all emotion.

Jace glanced across at Alec, taking in his dishevelled appearance, his eyes coming to rest on the new cuts on his arm. He let out a knowing sigh. ‘I tracked your phone.’

‘Remind me to make sure you can’t do that next time,’ Alec half joked.

‘You call this okay, Alec?’ Jace asked suddenly, his voice laced with panic that teetered on the edge of anger. ‘Earlier you – you felt the way you did before – and I – I hadn’t realised it had got bad again. I know I should have but I was – with everything going on with Clary – but tonight, our bond felt _weird_. And I just knew. And then when I went to find you, and you weren’t in your room I – ’

‘ _Jace,_ ’ Alec murmured, begging his brother not to even think about blaming himself for what was happening. ‘I’m sorry I scared you. This isn’t how you were meant to find out about all this again. I only left so that I could have some breathing space. I’m sorry I scared you. Please don’t blame yourself for not noticing. I should have come to you for help when I needed it I – it’s not your responsibility to look after my mental health, its mine.’

‘Even so Alec, when I saw that you were on a _bridge_ – I didn’t know what I was gonna find when I got here.’ Finally, Alec found the courage to look Jace in the eye, and all he could see was how much he was hurting the people he loved most.

‘I’m so sorry, Jace.’

‘Have you ever – have you ever thought about _it_ before?’ Jace ventured carefully, keeping his eyes tactfully fixed on where river met city.

‘About – _suicide?_ ’ Alec shifted, collecting his thoughts before he spoke again. He could hear his pulse thrumming in his ears. ‘I – I came up here once – when I was like 15 – and I – I stood on the edge for a long time. But I couldn’t – Jace, all I could think of was you and Iz finding out – what it would do to you, given our bond – and I – I couldn’t. I would never do that to you Jace. No matter how bad things get.’ Alec paused again, staring at his brother, ‘I’m never gonna leave you without a fight,’ he whispered.

When Jace finally looked at Alec again, his face was damp. ‘Alec, why were you here tonight?’

Alec couldn’t look at him. ‘I just needed space. I didn’t realise where I was heading until I got here and – I just had this weird _pull_ I guess that called me to come and sit on the edge.’

‘Do you want to die?’ The question was quiet and devoid of emotion, like Jace _finally_ understood all the times that Alec told him that he couldn’t control how sometimes his mind would make him do stupid things.

‘I don’t know.’

Jace let out a slow breath. ‘Well – don’t. Okay? Don’t do that. I know that you can’t control how your mind makes you feel sometimes, but please – Alec, look at me – please tell someone when you feel like this. I know it’s hard, and probably really awkward for you at first. But – but if it means it keeps you safe? It doesn’t have to be me you come to, Iz would definitely help, or Magnus –’

‘Jace,’ Alec warned, desperate not to have to think about Magnus, and the way that his attention made him feel _wanted_ in a way he had never allowed himself to know before.

‘Alec, I know you aren’t ready to talk about it, but you know that we don’t mind if you’re –’

‘ _Jace,’_ Alec interrupted again, his numbness dissolving away to anger, ‘I swear to god, if you finish that sentence, I’ll –’

‘Okay, jeez,’ he held his hands up in a placating gesture. ‘We don’t have to talk about it tonight, but trust me Alec, I may not know what you’re going through _at all_ , but I know that you can’t run from it forever.’

Alec sighed, running his hands through his hair in an attempt to regain some semblance of self control. Deep down, a part of him was already desperate to pick up a blade again.

‘Come on, lets go home,’ Jace coaxed softly.

Back in the institute, Alec could feel his body’s call for blood intensify with every step he took towards his room. Jace seemed to pick up on Alec’s mood, and quickly dragged him into his own room, ignoring his brother’s protests.

‘We used to do this as kids,’ Jace reminded him. ‘And we’re parabati.’

‘Its different now,’ Alec said, watching sceptically as Jace settled comfortably in the bed and patted the other side, expectantly waiting for Alec to get in too.

‘You’re still you, Alec. Nothing has changed between us.’

_But I’m gay,_ Alec wanted to scream. This wasn’t allowed; the context had been irreparably changed and no matter how much he wanted to just lay down and feel safe next to his best friend, the fear that his actions would be seen as _something more_ had him rooted to the spot.

‘Alec, you’re my brother.’ Jace tried again. ‘When we were doing this as 12 year olds, you were just as g –’

‘Okay fine!’ Alec rushed forwards to prevent Jace from finishing his sentence. ‘Fine. Alright? Just – just don’t say it.’

‘There’s nothing wrong with you, Alec.’

Alec didn’t answer; instead opting to flop on his side, facing away from his brother and switching out the lights.

And if Jace had woken in the middle of the night to Alec’s sobs, if he had spent the best part of an hour whispering to him, reminding him that _being gay is okay,_ and that _I’ll always be here Alec, just please don’t give up_ , then neither of them mentioned it in the morning, and that was okay too.


	2. give yourself a try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! sorry this took a little while to update, i kind of had to battle with this chapter. but i'm hoping that its okay! i've got a few ideas for the next ones, so hopefully it wont be as intense to try and write, and i can update more regularly. 
> 
> As always, please be mindful of the tags for trigger warnings <3

For a while after the night on the bridge, Jace kept a closer eye on his brother. He checked in regularly, refusing to leave Alec alone until they had talked and he was sure that Alec was not a risk to himself. Of course, with the increased political pressure from the Clave, and the arrival of Lydia and their parents from Idris, it got more and more difficult to find time to talk privately.

Not that Alec minded too much – he was grateful to his brother that he tried to help, but his concern only increased Alec’s paranoia that someone else would start asking questions, and – _god forbid_ – they would take him off active duty.

Alec felt like he was being crushed from all sides. Lydia was questioning the unsanctioned missions they had been forced to make and demanding the cup; his parents were looking to him to uphold the Lightwood name, and talk of _marriage_ had been thrown around carelessly, making it all too clear what was expected of him. Somehow he had managed to fall out with Jace again, and chosen the wrong side when it came to Melliorn’s imprisonment; and Magnus was making him feel things he had promised himself he would never be allowed to think about.

All in all, Alec’s life was a shitshow – _as usual_ , he reminded himself.

Eventually, Alec just broke. He’d known from the start it would happen; each day felt like some unstoppable countdown towards catastrophe. The only surprising thing was that he had held on far longer than he expected.

The bachelor party had been the final nail in the coffin. There was something _very ironic_ about the fact that finally making up with Jace was the moment that caused him to break, Alec had decided.

He was a little drunk, a rare occurrence for any shadow hunter, but especially Alec, who always wanted to be the perfect soldier; and soldiers didn’t get mornings off work to deal with hangovers, right?

Eventually, he had left Jace and stumbled back to his room. It took him an embarrassingly long time to drag his shirt over his head and stumble to the bathroom to clean his teeth. Normally, he was so careful about not looking in the mirror without a shirt on, but the drink had made his body no longer obey his mind and he found that he couldn’t drag his eyes away from the scars on his hips and arms.

The strange thing about Alec’s panic attacks was that they went from being totally fine to him crying on the floor in seconds; at least, those were the only parts he could remember.

Somehow, he was now in the training room. The bright white strip lights were hurting his head, and the alcohol in his system was making the room tilt sickeningly. Vaguely, he was aware that he was letting out loud, gut wrenching sobs, and part of him knew he should try to be quiet, but his body would no longer obey him. He was knelt next to one of the punching bags; there was blood smeared in dark lines down the front of it and Alec knew deep in his gut that if he looked down, his knuckles would be bloodied and torn. It was not yet painful yet, it never seemed to hurt when he first did it. That would come tomorrow; he was determined not to use an izrate on them.

Distantly, Alec was aware of a sound from the doorway. It was a battle to force his eyes up to check for danger. _Jace._ He was stood in the doorway, looking stricken. The stark lighting threw dark shadows onto his face, making him look tired and slightly ill. Alec was sure he looked no better. He sniffed, looking away from his approaching brother. ‘Don’t come any closer,’ he said lowly once Jace was just a few meters from where he sat.

Jace crouched; he was well practiced in the art of taming Alec’s panic. When they were teenagers, this scene had been a weekly occurrence. Back then, Jace had assumed it was something Alec would grow out of once they had been on missions and realised what _actual_ threats they faced. He couldn’t believe how callous and naïve he had once been. These days, Jace understood that Alec’s mind was not only a _very real_ threat, but that it was probably far scarier that any of the monsters and demons they faced in the daylight. It broke his heart to see his brother like this, but he would be damned if he wasn’t going to try his best to help however he could.

‘What happened?’ Confusion was clear in his tone; he really thought that making up would ease Alec’s mind, not cause him more stress.

‘It’s not – _Jace_ –’ Alec glanced up at his brother with watery, pleading eyes, as if begging him to telepathically find where the hurt was. ‘When I looked in the mirror – my scars, and I just thought _what am I doing_ , and – and then suddenly you were here and I – I’m sorry, Jace.’

‘You haven’t done this in a while,’ Jace observed, his voice carefully guarded. He knew that any tone that Alec perceived to be negative would have him clamming up and Jace was determined not to make the situation worse than it already was. ‘Can I heal your hands please?’

Alec shook his head. Jace knew he would. But the actual action of doing so still made Jace’s stomach twist sickeningly. He took a moment to observe his brother. In recent years, he had only seen him shirtless on a handful of occasions, and it was blindingly obvious that the number of scars had increased tenfold since the last time Alec had allowed him to see him when he was this venerable. Sure, the night they were on the bridge, he had seen some of the scars, but seeing Alec as a whole, crumpled on the floor under the aggressive strip lighting made it abundantly clear how bad Alec’s current mental state was if the physical signs of his body were anything to go by.

The reality was that Jace was at a loss as to what to do. They had spoken so many times about possible solutions – therapy (which Alec had vehemently declined), talking to Jace (which Alec seemed to forget was an option whenever he needed it most), distraction – it seemed to him that they had run out of discrete options for ensuring Alec’s safety. ‘You’ve gotta start taking better care of yourself, Alec,’ Jace sighed, sitting down as close as he dared to his brother. ‘ _Please_ come to me when you need help, alright? You know I don’t mind, and then maybe we could stop it from escalating to this sort of situation.’ He glanced at the bloody punch bag hanging beside them; it was unimaginable to Jace how distressed Alec must have been to split his knuckles so violently without it being for a mission, and even then, any other shadow hunter would try to heal them as soon as possible.

Alec sighed, finally looking back to his brother. ‘I know. But I should be strong enough to deal with it on my own.’

‘You are, Alec.’ Jace shuffled closer still, until their shoulders were almost touching. ‘I know you can do this alone. But the thing is, you don’t have to. We all need someone to remind us to take a break sometimes.’

‘Okay. Yeah, okay.’

Jace let out a relived sigh. ‘Come on then, let me clean your hands. You’ve got a big day tomorrow.’

Somehow, Alec seemed to be making a habit of ending up sleeping in his brother’s bed. A few years ago, it would have fuelled his crush and made him cringe, but these days, it just reminded him of how happy he was to have such an understanding parabatai, and made him thankful that his crush was all but gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! let me know what you think, as always, comments motivate me to write faster!
> 
> PS: i'm finally thinking of updating some of my spider man stories too


	3. i'm scared of dying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, another The 1975 song lyric as a chapter title? is it surprising? definitely not. Is it over used by me? yes.
> 
> OKay, so i know this chapter is short, but i wrote it in one sitting and i'm actually pretty proud of the motivation i had to write it, so i hope you like it!!
> 
> Please be mindful of the tags as always <3

He should be somewhat happy, right? He had just kissed _Magnus Bane, high warlock of Brooklyn._ Not only that, but he had done it in front of practically everyone he cared about, so no more awkward coming out scenes for a while. And sure, some people had taken it badly – his parents for a start. But not hiding anymore could only be a good thing, right?

Everything was just out in the open now.

And that meant that maybe, if he was _really fucking lucky,_ he could go on a date with Magnus. It seemed so simple. Certainly, it was something that his siblings barely batted an eyelid about; they seemed to sleep with whoever they wanted – and sure, a downworlder was definitely _not_ a solid match in the eyes of their parents, but a same sex downworlder? Maybe it was a step too far. Or maybe Alec had just lived in fear for so long that he no longer knew what would get him into trouble and what wouldn’t.

Either way, he should feel hopeful, right?

He’d quite literally gotten his dream. Despite the fact that Alec’d had brief fumbles with other shadow hunters (who were definitely not straight and were definitely just as terrified as him) during their time in training, something about his first kiss with Magnus made him feel like it was his first time with everything.

So why did he still feel like the weight of the entire world rested on his shoulders?

_Be happy,_ he scalded himself, _why do you always have to be a little shit and ruin the good things when they finally happen?_

But no amount of forced optimism would help. Especially not after he was called into his father’s office to discuss the wedding. Alec zoned most of it out; he only focused on the vague theme of his parent’s rant, which mostly reinforced how _disgusting_ and _unnatural_ he was, and how the wedding had been his idea in the first place.

Alec ultimately zoned most of it out, just desperate to get out of the room still feeling whole. If he weren’t still holding onto the memory of his kiss with Magnus, perhaps he wouldn’t have been able to.

As it was, it was gone midnight by the time he left, and magnus was long gone, back to his luxury flat and away from the horrors of the repercussions of Alec’s rash actions.

And so Alec was alone to deal with his thoughts. The bone deep call for blood had begun to get unbearable about an hour into the lecture from his parents, and now it left him shaking and thinking of what would happen if he sustained a mortal injury.

Of course, Alec thought back to what he had agreed with Jace only the night before: he would go to him when he needed help. But the last thing he wanted was to be a _burden_ , and two nights in a row felt a little too much like hard work for Jace in Alec’s opinion. God forbid that his brother finally saw Alec for what he was – _a toxic friend_ – and decided he no longer wanted that negativity in his life.

That left Alec with only one option: hiding alone in his room and hoping that no one would know the frightful thoughts that were racing through his brain.

He spent the walk in autopilot, his mind far too preoccupied with thoughts of his parent’s disappointment to focus on the path he had followed a thousand times before.

When he got to his door, however, he realised that it was stood ajar and definitely not how he left it.

Feeling reckless, Alec blundered on regardless, barely caring if someone had laid a trap for him to fall blindly into. He would welcome that with open arms.

But there was no danger inside. Only Jace.

Jace who was always there when Alec needed him; Jace who knew well before Alec did when he needed to be taken care of.

And here he was again, sat sullenly on the end of the bed, hair all over the place where he had obviously run an anxious hand through it countless times.

Alec paused in the door way. This certainly fucked up his plan of having an out while he still had something to be happy about.

In the dim light, it was clear that Jace was still wearing his waist coat and shirt from the wedding hours earlier. It was unclear how long he had been waiting for Alec to return, but it seemed like it had been a long time, given how tired his brother looked.

Alec didn’t bother turning the light on; instead, he closed the door without a word and flopped face first into the bed beside his parabati. And sure, maybe it was a little _too dramatic_ , even for Alec’s tastes, but the soft darkness that enveloped his face and smothered his breathing was undeniably comforting.

‘I heard you talking with mum and dad,’ Jace said eventually, stretching out to lay on his back next to Alec, so that their heads were level.

Alec made a noise into the duvet that he hoped conveyed the message: _please just let me lie here and die for half an hour_.

Jace sighed and Alec felt him turn his head to look at him. ‘Alec I – I know how you’re feeling.’

Alec made another scathing noise. _How could anyone, least of all Jace – the man who was the perfect soldier and the perfect son – ever know how he was feeling?_

‘ _No. Alec, listen to me.’_ Jace implored quickly. ‘I don’t know-how-you’re-feeling in terms of what it must be like to be in your shoes right now, but I _know-how-you’re-feeling_ in terms of the fact that when I search for you with our bond, all I’m getting is a massive pile of hurt and fear and – and _anger._ And Alec? That’s okay, alright? But because of all the feelings you must be having, I think it would be a good idea to chat if – if that’s what you want?’ he trailed off vaguely.

And _oh fuck,_ Alec had forgotten about the fact that Jace could literally _feel_ how messed up he was _all the god damn time_. Alec let out a long, steadying breath. ‘Okay,’ he mumbled, voice barely audible through the quilt that still surrounded him, ‘I – _Jace –_ I’m so scared.’

As soon as he said it, it was the only thing his brain could think. _I’m scared_ seemed to echo off of every cell in his brain.

‘Of what?’

‘ _Dying_ – ’ Alec choked out, tears suddenly filling his eyes.

He felt Jace still beside him.

‘You – you want to – now?’

Alec nodded.

‘Can you look at me please?’

All Alec could think was how _fucking soft_ Jace’s voice was. He couldn’t tell if it was pity or something else that had made him so gentle, but he rolled onto his side none the less, letting out a slight choked sob as he did so.

‘Alec, I really need you to know that _I love you_ , okay? And I couldn’t be prouder of what you did today. But I need you to hear me when I tell you that what you’re feeling right now – _however hopeless it feels_ – is temporary. I know just saying that seems lame, but one day soon, you could be so, _so_ happy, and then all of this – this shit will be worth it. And until then, I refuse to let you give up on yourself.’

There was silence as Alec processed his brother’s words. It didn’t seem real. Most of his brain was telling him that there was no hope, but he was so desperate to believe there was light at the end of the tunnel. All too soon, he was curling into Jace’s chest, gripping onto his waistcoat as if it was the only thing that was keeping him anchored to the planet. _Please help me_ , he gasped in between sobs.

And much to Alec’s surprise, Jace didn’t tell him that his problems were finally too much to bear; at no point did he even waver in his quiet and gentle comforting of his brother.

Sure, the next morning when Alec woke with clogged eyes from crying and realised that he was still bundled into his parabati’s chest, none of the weight from the night before had lifted. But he had survived it. Not only that, but he had survived without a single drop of bloodshed. Of course, he could still feel the humming beneath his skin, but somehow, he was unspeakably glad that Jace had been there to catch him when he needed it most.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, i'm back! uni has been super intense, but now that my exams are over, i finally managed to write another chapter! i hope you like it
> 
> As always, please be super mindful of the tags!

The major issue that Alec had with his mental health was that he had absolutely no control over when he was going to crash and end up back at square one. Life should have been fine; the dates he’d had with Magnus truly made him feel happy and he laughed properly for the first time in a long time. Sure, living at the institute was still just as crazy as it always had been, but it was nothing new.

So why had he suddenly started spiralling again?

Out of the blue, Alec had started to feel like he could barely get out of bed again. At first, he had pinned it down to not wanting to leave his sleeping boyfriend, but eventually he couldn’t kid himself anymore. This wasn’t the light, warm feeling of not wanting to leave Magnus, it was the cold, heavy feeling of depression digging its claws deep into his soul until he could barely find the energy to move again.

And it sucked.

Alec wondered whether he would ever get rid of this bone deep feeling of absolute despair and nothingness.

He started sleeping at the institute more, making vague and unbelievable excuses to Magnus about the fact that they were rushed off their feet with work. Avoiding Jace and Izzy became a daily struggle; even the smallest of tasked seemed like the most impossible chore.

The real kicker, though, was that _nothing_ had triggered these feelings. How could he explain to anyone that he felt like absolute shite when he genuinely had no idea _why_ he felt like this?

Alec sighed. He couldn’t believe he was _here_ again; sitting on the bathroom floor, blood slowly dripping from his thigh onto the lino. It had been weeks since he had last given into his urges. He had told Magnus his scars were old when he’d asked – he’d thought he was over this. That he had finally beaten his brain now that he was no longer hiding.

But no.

The worst part was that he would have to hide these new injuries from his boyfriend. Something about lying didn’t feel right, but how was he ever meant to bring this up without making Magnus leave?

No one wanted to deal with this kind of thing.

Looking down at the blood that was on his thigh made Alec feel sick. Yes, he had wanted this. Five minutes ago, he’d been desperate for it. But now, it just made him feel hopeless.

The deep, sickening itch under his skin was gone for now, but now it gave way to a current of sadness that dragged him deeper into his self destructive thoughts.

He didn’t know how long he sat there feeling sorry for himself; half of him was screaming at himself desperately to get cleaned up and go to bed, while the other half was telling him to pick the blade up again and see if it made him feel better. It felt like hours passed while he sat curled on the floor.

Just as Alec was about to pick the blade up again, he heard movement in his room. Immediately, he was on high alert.

The footsteps were soft, but slow enough that it almost sounded like whoever was out there was giving Alec time to notice them.

‘Alec?’

It was Jace; of course it was. Alec swore softly, finally looking around with enough focus to realise the mess he had made. In short, he was fucked if he was going to have to explain this to his brother.

Jace knocked softly on the door. ‘Hey, can I come in?’

Every fibre in Alec’s being screamed _no_. He couldn’t bear the thought of his best friend seeing him like this. But he couldn’t seem to find his voice to say so, and after a beat Jace tried the door and found it unlocked.

Alec closed his eyes, rocking his head back so that it hit roughly against the wall behind him. He couldn’t bear to see the look on Jace’s face when he entered.

‘Hey,’ he said again, softly, stepping fully into the room and closing the door behind himself.

Alec opened his eyes slightly; Jace looked unbelievably casual, leaning his hip against the sink and surveying his brother. It wrecked Alec to think that Jace had seen him at his worst so often that the mess he had made didn’t even outwardly bother his friend anymore. ‘Hi,’ he grumbled back, his voice scratchy from crying.

Reaching for the open first aid kit that sat on top of the closed toilet seat, Jace sat opposite Alec. ‘So, what happened then?’

The question was quiet, almost unassuming, but it made anger boil somewhere deep in Alec’s chest. ‘I don’t know.’

‘Huh?’

‘I don’t know why, Jace.’ Alec said more forcefully, ‘like yeah, everything’s fine – great in fact – nothing terrible is happening, and yet I still can’t be okay. I don’t know _why_ this is happening to me. All I know is I wish to god it wouldn’t.’

Jace let out a small sigh and began to wipe some of the blood on Alec’s leg away with a damp cloth. ‘I’m sorry you have to deal with this Alec, I know it can’t be easy. Does Magnus know?’

‘Not really. Obviously, he’s seen the scars, but I told him it was in the past. Fuck. I thought all this _was_ in the past.’ Alec scrubbed a hand anxiously through his hair.

Jace was quiet for a long time while he carefully applied a dressing to Alec’s thigh. The silence was tense, but not unwelcome. Eventually, however, he spoke up, ‘I think maybe you should tell him, Alec.’

‘But –’

‘No. I know it will be uncomfortable. But he really likes you. Sure, maybe at first it will be hard, but at least then you won’t have any secrets. He’s worried about you – he already knows somethings up – I got a text from him this morning saying you’ve been making lame excuses all week about why you can’t see him.’ Jace sat back, admiring his neat bandage on his brother’s leg before finally making eye contact with him. ‘I know it’s hard, but I am so proud of you, Alec. Proud that you’re finally letting yourself live how you want, and that you’re trying to get better. If you’ve told him about the scars already, he probably won’t react badly to a relapse.’

‘Jace –’ Alec said sceptically, gesturing to the aftermath of his latest failure at trying to get better.

His brother shook his head and sighed again. ‘Just because you relapsed doesn’t mean you can’t recover. Yes, it sucks. And I’m sorry we didn’t notice and help you out before it happened, but it doesn’t mean you’re beyond help, Alec.’

Alec recovering had never been explicitly talked about; it was just an unspoken thing that they knew was happening. He was more angry than anything else; angry that he had to start over, that he would have to talk to Magnus, that Jace had come to his rescue yet again. ‘I just –’ he started, voice suddenly loud, ‘I wish I didn’t have to go through this gross stage of being in between. Like, I know how bad it is for me to do this now, but I’m not yet at the point where I’m _better_. So I end up in this middle ground where I don’t know how to cope without all this, but I also feel even worse than I used to about giving in. At least before, I could justify it as necessary.’

‘I know, mate,’ Jace sighed, glancing down at some of the older scars on Alec’s arms as he did so. Despite how much of Alec’s life he had witnessed, it still seemed completely unfathomable sometimes that he had thought the only way out of his situation was through pain. ‘You know I’ll always be here to help you, and I’m so sorry you have to deal with recovery in order to get better, but I’m so glad that you’re trying.’ He licked his lips and darted his eyes back up to his parabati’s, ‘I think you should tell Magnus.’

‘I know.’ Alec sounded so defeated. ‘I know I need to. I was planning on staying the night here again, but perhaps I should head back and talk to him.’

Jace nodded and rose, offering a hand to help Alec up too. ‘What do you think you’ll say?’

‘No idea.’ Alec let out a small laugh, ‘but I guess I’ve got the walk home to make a plan.’

Jace stayed while Alec changed into a nice jumper and jeans; they chatted about menial things, but somehow, it still made Alec feel better. Sure, he still felt bad, but something about the familiar flow of conversation soothed a part of his soul he didn’t know had been hurting.

As he left for Magnus’ apartment, he knew he had a lot of uncomfortable moments ahead, but his conversations with Jace made them a little easier to bear. He wasn’t totally alone in this; the more he talked, the more he seemed to realise that, and it made him feel a little lighter.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked this! Any comments will definitely get me to update quicker, let me know what you think if you like <3
> 
> PS: can you tell i'm a little obsessed with The 1975?


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